The Kohlinar Failure Mortification
by Rockyele
Summary: Sheldon faces some major internal turmoil regarding the feelings Amy awakens in him while she is away in a Congress. What will he do to solve his predicaments?


**My second Shamy fic! As always, I own nothing but the borrowed inspiration of the awesomeness that Sheldon and Amy are. Hope you enjoy it!**

**The Kohlinar Failure Mortification**

- "... And that's why, Dr. Cooper, the breeding of a 'dogtopus' is biologically improbable".

Sheldon's face was glowing with an indescriptible mixture of anger and excitement. He loved and hated that she was always able to rebut all his well thought arguments and brilliant ideas. Finally, he managed to separate his stubbornly shut lips to let a shout escape:

- "Everybody out. Now!"

All the people around looked at him as if he were crazy.

"You kidding, right?" -Howard ventured to say

The only one who stood up, without taking her eyes off him was Amy.

"Very well. Good night, _boyfriend_"

Sheldon caught her arm as she turned her back to him

"Not so fast, Dr. Fowler. I said 'everyone out'...but you. I said: 'everyone out', because I want privacy to sit here in my spot and make out with my girlfriend and most likely to have intercourse with her as well" - he said, pulling Amy against his body.

- "How are you sure I'll agree to do so?" - She asked, with a smirk.

- "Convince me of the contrary"

Without any more arguing, Sheldon and Amy engaged in passionate French kissing, noticing (and not really caring that much) that they were left alone, by the sound of the hurried steps of their scared friends who were leaving the scene. Without stopping the kissing, Sheldon reached Amy's left leg and pulled it up to his waist's height, noticing with discomfort that she was wearing thighs.

- I've told you I don't want you to wear those anymore.

Amy smiled coyly

- Well, take them off, then.

He returned the smile and kneeled down to proceed to do as she suggested. He didn't hid his pleasure when her curvy and soft legs appeared, free of their fabric prison. He stood up and resumed the kissing, grabbing her leg viciously, now that it was available to caress as much as he wanted. She tried to push him to the couch, but he resisted.

- Aren't we gonna sit in your spot? -she asked, breaking the kiss.

- We can't -he replied, catching her lips again -The gorn must be occupying it.

- The 'gorn'... wich gorn, Sheldon?

He looked nervously behind him. His spot was empty.

Sheldon opened his eyes and sat up like if a hidden spring under him had suddenly impulsed him from his bed. He was sweating and had problems to breathe properly.

- "There was no Gorn" -he hissed, laying back down.

He noticed then that particular, unfamiliar heat between his legs.

Nervously, he slipped his hand under the sheets and could clearly feel the stiffness. Just to be sure, checked inside his pants. There it was, no doubt. It was a very unusual situation for him, it even felt strange at the touch.

He felt a rush of adrenaline, even when he hesitated a bit at the beginning, he couldn't help but let his instincts flow. His hand started moving and continued, almost at its own volition. His mind kept replaying the scenes from his dream so vividly, he would swear he could feel her skin and smell her fragrance. He finished with a deep sigh and a whisper under his breath:

- "Amy..."

#

Sheldon was staring at his board. The last numbers of the equation that had been rounding his head for the last few days were still non-existent in reality. He huffed in exasperation and left the marker on the desk, brushing his sore skin for the contact with the wooden surface of it. He looked at his reddish hand.

_"Doesn't matter how many times you wash it, the dirt is deep, deep inside"_

He shivered at his own thoughts, ditching them away with a headshake. Reached the Purell in his drawer and poured some on his hands. It hurt, he ignored the pain.

His phone buzzed and his heart jumped, he opened the received message and sighed in relief, while reading the usual marketing lingo that, for sure, Amy wouldn't use in a text.

It had been five days, 17 hours and 45 minutes since he had seen her, just before she left for that Neuroscience Congress in Kiev, Ukraine. Her agenda was full of conferences and lectures, and apparently the Wi-Fi service in her hotel was so poor, it was unable to sustain the shortest Skype session, so sporadic texts, tweets and one single phone call had been their only ways of communication since then.

It was almost preferable that way at that point, when Kohlinar had been failing him so miserably.

Sheldon sat in his chair, entwined his hands, rested his elbows on the desk and closed his eyes.

How did he allow that to happen?

He was Dr. Sheldon Cooper (B.S., M.S., M.A., Ph.D., Sc.D), he was a man of science, one of those genius that were born just once (or twice) in a generation, who was walking a sure road towards a Nobel Prize, not a dumb chimpanzee that surrenders to his basic instincts and abuses his genitals during night after having inappropriate dreams about...a female.

Almost unintentionally, he started recalling that last time when something like that happened to him and a woman was involved. He went back to Germany, 15 years earlier. Dr Gretta Spreckels, brilliant lecturer at the University of Munich, 37 years old, dark brown hair that fall onto her shoulders, blue eyes, married, two children, one of them his age. She was one of the few that was able to sustain a conversation with him, one of the two who smiled kindly to him and didn't seem compelled to fly away as the "Insufferable American Wunderkind" entered the room. They used to exchange papers and discuss them afterwards. He was fifteen... and he had once touched himself while reading one of her essays on Gauge-gravity duality.

But one thing was to get aroused at the reading of a brilliant paper on Quantum Theory (understandable) and other very different was to get horny at the memory of a white, soft, perfectly shaved leg (baffling). His eidetic memory recalled the day when Amy showed up after a "day of luxurious self-pampering with her besties" at a spa, they have had several treatments, and full waxing. He had looked at their showing-off unimpressed and had properly scolded off the waste of time that those endeavors represented, but he couldn't help but have imprinted in his mind the form and texture of those white, shapely calves.

#

Sheldon had put on his new pajamas (after what happened while wearing the other ones, the only logical thing to do was to dispose and replace them immediately) He had been Kohlinar meditating all day and felt much better prepared. His subconscicious won't betray him again. He jumped to his bed, closed his eyes, happy to realize that he had not thought about Amy for hours... Amy. There she was, why did he had to have that realization precisely then? He was relieved, though, that, even when she had reappeared in his head, everything about her had been innocuous and harmless so far. He wondered how her presentation could have gone (in fact, he was anxious to hear about it, even if it was something Biology-related), he mentally made the math to calculate what hour could it be in Kiev. 5:00 am, she must have been still asleep, probably dreaming by then. Dreams, what an interesting mental process. He realized that dreams had never been a topic they had discussed in depth. He thought of proposing it for their next date night. He wondered if she had ever dreamed about him... He wondered if she had ever touched herself thinking of him...

Sheldon opened his eyes wide, popped up from the bed and ran to the living room.

#

Leonard was awakened in the middle of the night by the sound of the 8-bit rendition of a well known tune, looked at his watch. 3:25 am. He walked to the living room to find Sheldon sitting in his spot, staring at the TV screen and viciously pressing the buttons of a Super Nintendo controller.

- Is there anything wrong, Sheldon?

- Nothing at all! What could be wrong?

- Why are you playing "The Legend of Zelda: A Link to the Past" at 3:25 am?

- Because I'm playing "The Legend of Zelda: Ocarina of Time" at 4:47 am

- Are you sure?

- Yes, of course. Everybody knows my personal record for finishing "A Link to the Past" is of 128 minutes, and I'm already...

- No, no, I mean, couldn't you find a more adequate time to play, like during daylight hours?

- Leonard, there's no such time as an "inadequate hour" to have a full chronological gaming marathon of The Legend of Zelda series, I thought you would know/understand that very well.

Leonard shrugged and walked back to his bedroom, at least it was less noisy than impromptu bongo madness.

Sheldon almost didn't hear him shut his room's door, he was fiercely concentrating in the game, he needed to keep his mind (and hands) busy.

#

Sheldon darted his white board with the marker, another frustrating and fruitless day. He could blame the sleepless night, but he knew it was not the real reason. This was not the way things should work.

Kohlinar had never need the assistance of gaming to work for him, heck!, most of the time he didn't even realize he needed to practice it, it was as natural for him as breathing.

And everything was her fault. She was the one who had been crawling into his life, making it more difficult, distracting him more and more every day, in different ways. Making his mind go in circles around her.

There must had been something he could do about it.

He went to his bag and reached the copy of their Relationship Agreement he always carried with him. He was determined: he needed to terminate it.

#

Sheldon looked at the plane that was about to start off. He had to admit that it had been an enjoyable afternoon. Planes were not trains, but there were interesting in their own way. He was so amused he had almost forgot the reason because he was at the airport. Ok, that was a lie, he couldn't forget about it for a minute. He clutched his bag, it contained not only his copy of the Relationship Agreement, but also the only scape-way he had found for his predicament: a lawsuit.

He had spent the whole night reading and analyzing the practically unbreakable agreement he had foolishly got himself into. At the end, he had come up with a brilliant idea: he would sue her, under the accusation of actual/compensatory damages, and for interfering in the way of Physics' advance. It would be a longer process than what he would prefer, but, at the end, he could declare nullified the agreement and be set free again.

He looked at his pocket watch and confronted it with his wrist watch. The flight was delayed. It definitely was not the same thing as trains. He was about to sat in the waiting room when he realized Amy was walking through the next aisle. The flight that carried her must have arrived when he was distracted. He marveled that he was able to get that easily distracted, an even more terrifying realization was that, if it not were for the distance and the glass wall that separated them, he was feeling the terrible urge to run, meet and tightly embrace her, and probably everything would be happening in slow motion with sappy music playing in the background, as if they were characters of those cheesy rom-coms Rajesh and Penny were so fond of. Good, good thing they were separated by distance and glass. He took out his phone, typed quickly and could see her reading his text and looking around for him. He waved and saw her approaching, smiling, completely unaware of the terrible news she was about to receive.

He was very conscious of the terrible disgrace that must be to have him and then to lose him, but also knew she was an intelligent woman, she would understand, she would comprehend that it was necessary for the sake of science. Those thoughts kept swirling in his mind as she got close to him.

- Sheldon!, why you didn't told me you were coming?

- My apologies, I know I should gave you prior notice before showing up, but there's something of great importance I need to talk with you.

Amy's smile changed to a puzzled frown.

#

He had promised himself that he would speak seriously with her right away, why to prolong the inevitable?

But, instead, he had invited her to the nearest cafe inside the airport and got her a hot beverage, she was about to need it very much after all. Then he decided it would have been rude to not ask her about her trip. Terrible mistake. She had started telling a series of amusing stories of both, her trip and the congress, and he was finding it increasingly difficult to interrupt her. He kept wanting to know more and more, to listen to her detailed accounts of the lectures, her witty remarks, her smart jokes. Without noticing, he was smiling from ear to ear, absolutely taken by her conversation.

_Oh!, How much he loved her brain!_

What? What was that?, he "loved her brain"? He used to think that a lot about his own brain, not about somebody else's. Just when he was taken aback for the thought, Amy excused herself to go and "wash herself", that charming euphemism she had for urination and to leave him behind when she was upset. The second option was discarded because he had not mentioned the lawsuit yet. He sighed, somewhat relieved, but still startled by his own realization. However, contrary to his fears, he noticed that the proximity to her had not worsen his condition, actually, he felt a bit more relaxed.

His eyes followed her in the way to the restroom... and they also deviated to her cadenciously moving hips.

_"Perhaps you just need to come to terms with the fact that wonderful brain comes wrapped inside that delectable body"_

He shook his head, trying to dissipate the image. How was it that those kind of thoughts were suddenly appearing in his mind? Why things couldn't be easier? As they used to be when she was just "that girl that was his friend, but not his girlfriend"?

He opened his eyes just to discover Amy talking with an smiling waiter. He felt a jolt. There it was the reason: The "green-eyed monster".

He couldn't believe that he was about to enter a legal process to dissociate himself from Amy Farrah Fowler and getting angry at the idea of her mingling with other men at the same time. His recent propensity to such a basic feeling as jealousy was undoubtedly another signal of the constant and worrisome failing of his previously perfect practice of Kohlinar. Things got worse as the waiter approached to their table.

- "Sorry Mr..."

- "_Dr_" - he corrected, with a glare

- "Okay, _'Mr. Dr'_, your girlfriend told me that you would be interested in our offer of the day in desserts. Today is 'Sundae day'

Yes, that was it: _his girlfriend_, he smiled knowing that the impertinent simpleton was aware that woman was _His _(at least for some minutes more). Keeping the proud smile, he ordered two sundaes. Something sweet will also be helpful to ease the atmosphere.

He was drumming the table with the tips of his fingers, the uneasiness had been growing exponentially since Amy had left. He started formulating a crazy theory: what if his distressing mental state had some connection (okay, a direct connection) with Amy Farrah Fowler's absence?

"Nosense" - he thought. He had lived 29 years of his life perfectly fine without knowing of her existence. If the main reason for his discomfort and inability to correctly perform at his job was precisely his recent tendency to spend too much time thinking about her, how could it be that having her near him could ease his eagerness? Besides, the problems he had been facing as lately had a newly found ingredient: his apparent need to become a bit more physical with her. True that his urge to hug her had decreased as she got close to him, but the scenes of his dream kept bothering him. He remembered how much teasing he got that time when they ended their then newly created friendship and he had had the perfectly reasonable idea of adopting and taking care of some pets, everyone had said he was trying to "fill the void". Ridiculous. But, of course, he couldn't deny the coincidence of her absence and that particular idea of his. Now, there was another coincidence: she had been away for some time and his mind started acting weirdly again. That very morning he was absolutely convinced that all he needed was to cut all contact with her, now he was not that sure. Could it be that she had become a non-negotiable presence in his life?

That mere concept was simply not possible, not acceptable.

Sheldon Cooper was above all those things, he was not some kind of flawed machine and Amy was not the vital fluid that kept him working. He didn't need her... or did he?

Anxiety was starting to take over him again. Luckily, she was heading back the table, his heart regaining a beat with each step of hers. She sat in front of him, greeting with a little smile that he felt compelled to reciprocate.

There were a few minutes of silence as she concentrated in her dessert. His was starting to melt down. His mind and hand in a constant doubt between reaching the legal documents or not. Then the idea come to him that he should honor their Agreement one more time before breaking it. For sure the recognition she had got from her lecture at the Congress was nowhere near to the importance of a Nobel Prize, but maybe a congratulatory handshake was in order. He felt his heart started racing. What was going to happen? What will that contact trigger?, would he be able to control himself? Too many questions, very few answers. He decided to go for it anyway. Amy was a bit surprised by his offering, but quickly obliged.

At the moment their hands entered in contact, he felt sort of an electric shock going through his fingers, hand, arm, and extending to his whole body. Actually, it was not an alien feeling, it was the same he had experienced when she held her hand for the first time as a part of an experiment time ago, more or less the same he experienced in any of their rare incursions in physical contact. The excitement remained even after the brief contact ended.

He felt strange, excited... euphoric? However, the rush of happiness was perfectly under his control, she was there, in front of him, he could speak to her, smile at her... even touch her again if he wanted. He could also feel his brain bubbling. Suddenly numbers, signs and letters got aligned in his head. His sudden need was then to grab a paper and something to write, and he did, marveled as the solution to the equation that had been evading him all week was revealing in a matter of seconds.

- A moment of inspiration, Dr Cooper?

He looked at her, who was staring at him with an smile.

- Certainly -he responded, when he was able to speak again -a moment of supreme inspiration.

He didn't know what made him more joyful, the correct solution to his problem or Amy's beaming smile. By that moment all fear and anxiety had dissipated.

- Aren't you going to eat your sundae? -she asked

He looked at his half melted-down ice cream, it was a disheartening scene. Surprisingly, he didn't care.

- No, it's melted down.

- I can see it, do you want to order another one?

- No, it's okay

As she finished eating, they stood up, went to the counter to pay and walked away. Just before going out the cafe, Sheldon excused himself for a minute, tore in pieces the document containing the lawsuit and thrown it away in the nearest trash bin.

- What was that?

- Useless papers - was his succinct answer

He sighed, relieved, that she had not asked for further explanations. As they walked away, his hand brushed against hers accidentally, giving him another small electric shock.

Still not sure if it was a terrible idea or a brilliant one, he gained courage and slipped his hand to grab hers, her warm, soft, slender and somewhat large hand. Amy looked at him, quite surprised.

- What are you doing? -she asked

- An experiment -he replied, without succeeding in hiding a cheeky smile

- An "experiment"? -she arched an eyebrow - Seriously? May I know the premises of it?

- It's classified at this point. Also, I think that after solving that impossible equation in such an impressive way, I think I deserve a firm handshake.

Amy smiled

- I wouldn't call this a 'handshake', it doesn't comply with the requirements in form and duration.

- Your perennial love for exactitude will never cease to astonish me, Dr. Fowler

- I'll take that as a compliment, Dr. Cooper

- Well done, because it is.

With the smile still drawn in his lips and without letting her hand go, he directed his eyes to the front and kept walking. This time no numbers, nor equation solutions came to him, just that blissful sensation he never want to end. The future was uncertain, the path his life, his mind, his body will follow too. But he was too happy to worry about all that in that moment.

Unexpectedly, Amy stopped in her tracks and turned to him.

- Wait a minute, didn't you say you had something to tell me?

Sheldon didn't say anything for a couple seconds, looking at her inquisitive eyes.

- I was thinking... -he said at last - We need to make some amendments to the Section 5 of our Relationship Agreement.

**_AN:_ Thank you very much for reading! Don't forget to comment and review too! :)**


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